I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
