I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
