oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
