I looked at my own cervix.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
