My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
