Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
