two words: eviction party
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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