Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
