I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
