I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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