Where is the hickey?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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