the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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