theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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