he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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