mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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