U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
