I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
