so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
