I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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