my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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