So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
