and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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