You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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