We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
