Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
