I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
