The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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