I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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