note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
