I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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