My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
