so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
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Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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