wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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