I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
