I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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