I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
