I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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