Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
