i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
