fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
