Banned from zoo.
Again?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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