I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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