:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
