so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
