I accidentally had phone sex last night
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe