Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.