turn off your phone and go to bed
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
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Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me