Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
