My room smells like vodka and shame
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
