you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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