i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
