Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
