I think I won the penis lottery.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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