I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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