dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dicks are not precious.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
