I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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