Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
