I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
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I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough