I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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