Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
