Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
3 2 1 whiskey
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
