I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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