Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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