we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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