but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
