Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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